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My Favorite Kit

Yeah, let me share that. Sure.
Just got my official cut kit, that's what I'm calling it.
Keeping it clean and hopefully going deep.
Let's fucking bleed out all the pain.

We Only Care When The Skin Isn't There

I'm alone again.
I'm cutting right now.
I'm a failure.
This is all so fucking stupid I can't even.
I want to go to the forest and hang myself.
If not for a lack of rope.
If not for a lack of will.
Maybe I can bleed enough.

[bold all that apply to you]

1. Adventurous, Adaptable, Analytical or Animated
2. Persistent, Persuasive, Playful, or Peaceful
3. Submissive, Self-sacrificing, Strong-Willed, or Social
4. Considerate, Controlled, Competitive, or Convincing
5. Reserved, Respectful, Refreshing, or Resourceful
6. Satisfied, Sensitive, Self-Reliant, or Spirited
7. Positive, Planning, Patient, or Promoting
8. Sure, Shy, uScheduled, or Spontaneous
9. Orderly, Obliging, Optimistic, or Outspoken
10. Friendly, Faithful, Funny, or Forceful
11. Daring, Detailed, Diplomatic, or Delightful
12. Cheerful, Consistent, Cultured, or Confident
13. Idealistic, Independent, Inoffensive, or Inspiring
14. Demonstrative, Decisive, Dry Humored, or Deep
15. Mediator, Musical, Moving, or Easily Mixing
16. Thoughtful, Tenacious, Talkative, or Tolerant
17. Listening, Lively, Leading, or Loyal
18. Contented, Chieflike, Chartmaking, or Cute (I guess...)

19. Perfectionistic, Pleasant, Productive, or Popular
20. Bold, Bouncy, Behaved, or Balanced


21. Blank, Bossy, Brassy, or Bashful
22. Unforgiving, Unsympathetic, Unenthusiastic, or Undisciplined
23. Reticent, Resentful, Resistant, or Repetitious
24. Fussy, Fearful, Forgetful, or Frank
25. Insecure, Impatient, Indecisive, or Interrupting
26. Unpopular, Uninvolved, Unpredictable, or Unaffectionate
27. Headstrong, Haphazard, Hard to Please, or Hesitant
28. Plain, Pessimistic, Proud, or Permissive
29. Angered easily, Aimless, Argumentative, or Alienated
30. Naïve, Negative, Nervy, or Nonchalant
31. Worrying, Withdrawn, Work-obsessed, or Wanting Credit
32. Too Sensitive, Tactless, Timid, or Talkative
33. Doubtful, Disorganized, Domineering, or Depressed
34. Inconsistent, Introverted, Intolerant, or Indifferent
35. Messy, Moody, Mumbling, or Manipulative
36. Slow, Show Off, Stubborn, or Skeptical
37. Loner, Lord over, Lazy, or Loud
38. Sluggish, Suspicious, Short Tempered, or Scatterbrained
39. Reluctant, Restless, Revengeful, or Rash
40. Compromising, Critical, Crafty, or Changeable

What color is most reflective of you? Grey because I'm always in the middle, never fully one way, but have both sides which make me whole
How did you get the idea for your diary name? Loved the smell of playdoh as a kid

What time were you born? 8:30 am I think
Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? Not yet, I don't think
What color underwear are you wearing? Pink
Do you want a baby? Not sure
What does your dad do for a living? Lots of things Engineer mostly
What does your mom do for a living? Birth mom: Nurse Step: Singer
What is your pet's name? Ginger, Sidney, Kendra, and Simon
What color are your bedsheets? Brown atm

What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? 572
What was the last movie you saw? Gattaca
Who do you dislike most at this moment? Liz
What food are you craving right now? Thai or sushi
What was the last tv show you watched? Grimm
What is your favorite piece of jewelry? Um...my asian cat earrings or my cat stamp earrings
What is to the left of you? George Orwell's 1984
What was the last thing you ate? I think some cheesy rice with broccoli
Who last IMed you? Peter

Do you have a crush? Not really, perpetually in love with some dick bag but he doesn't count

What is his/her name? Faggot
When was the last time you cut your hair? Uh..fall I think...maybe? Maybe summer?
Are you on any meds? No.

Do you have a mental disease? Yep too many.
What shirt are you wearing? White tank top dyed reddish by doing my laundry poorly
What time is it? Past bedtime le kill me 3:02am
What color is your razor? Black and orange I think
What is your fave frozen treat? Um fuck I don't know, fucking ice cream jesus
Whats your favorite shopping store? Urban Outfitters, American Eagle
Are you thirsty? Not until I read this fucker
Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? I'm not sure anymore, single lyfe 4 lyfe


That One Night---In Janurary

This is the saga of Jade’s birthday party. I am mostly writing this done because I have been so goddamn stressed out about it. Anyways, I have this friend Jeff. I always appreciated his sarcasm and how smart he is. However, Jeff has a lot of traits that have always rubbed me the wrong way. I never personally had problems with Jeff so I let it go. Jeff is the type of guy that has quite an ego. He is the type that is stubborn in his opinions, the type that thinks he is above the people around him. He’s done nice things for me though, I can recognize that. He tried to help teach me to drive and helped teach me how to debate. I have always felt intimidated by Jeff, in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. He is the type I’ve always kind of felt like I’ve had to walk egg shells around. Usually he is very self-centered and is only concerned about what is going on with Katherine (Kat) my other friend. When she was trying to decide who to go out with I tried to play the middle person between Jeff and her, now boyfriend, Nick. I’ve always just wanted to help my friends. It is something that makes me really happy. Anyways, I haven’t seen Jade in a really long time. Jade posts about her birthday plans and I think I might be able to go. I never confirm if I can or not, I make sure everyone is aware that my main concern is with school. I have a lot on my plate this quarter and I really did not have time to go to her party. Katherine calls me at 11:30pm at night and asks if Jeff and her can come spend the night, I’d have to let them in at 4 am. I obviously can’t do this for many reasons. A. I have to wake up super early in the morning and need my sleep for school. B. My roommate would be like “WTF, who are these people?” C. I had recently gotten in trouble for some of my friends being loud at my place and the land lord was quite angry. D. I would have no place for them to sleep, we have no couches, I don’t have enough blankets and my place was messy. However, she calls me like this is an okay thing, and I’m curious as to why it is okay for someone to ask that of me, when she knows I might not even come because I’m so stressed out and busy. I mean that is a pretty big thing to ask in my opinion, she showed no qualms about waking me up, and just “expected” me to do this. I managed to say no, but I was quite pissed off about it. Jade messages me on Facebook and tells me that Kat and Jeff are fighting. She is worried that this will ruin her birthday, especially if they have to ride for more hours in the car together. She asks me to go and I feel like I have to help make sure Jade is alright. I agree and Jeff and Kat show up the next day 3 hours late. We end up getting on the road very late and I had promised my mother that I would be there in time for dinner, because that was the impression I had received, that we would get there in time for that. I don’t mind changing it to something later, that is fine with me. However, we end up getting in at 10:30ishpm. Then Jeff and Kat insist on seeing Jade that night. I don’t see why we can’t wait until the morning but we need to eat either way. Now, I was under the impression that Jeff and Kat were in a bind and really needed somewhere to stay. So, I had asked my mother if the three of us could spend the night at my mother’s. Now Jade and Lexi wanted to join us. I called my mom to talk to her about it, I was already stressed out about it, because my mom kept calling me to figure out plans to meet up, what to buy people for breakfast. She had work in the morning and really wanted to see me. She did her basic run of “I get it, you don’t care about me, you never want to spend time with me, I was waiting for you, you’re so irresponsible, I bet you’d have time for your dad.” Then she said only one more person could come spend the night and proceeded to yell at me. “They better not make a fucking mess. They need to know I have work. You just use my for my house. They need to understand I work and they can’t be loud.” –that sort of shit. Just a goddamn unpleasant conversation that put me on edge in a bad way. Now, you have to understand that I am under a shit ton of stress and then when this situation became compounded, I lost some control in myself I’m sad to say. I got in the car and told them that Lexi couldn’t come spend the night. We kept trying to figure out what we wanted to do when I mentioned, “If we are staying at my mom’s we have to quiet like we can’t be loud and shit” and Jeff pipes in “Well, we all know you’re the loud one Marissa.” I can be loud at times but if I need to be quiet I am almost the only one in our group that can do it. So I get pissed off and I can’t remember what I said exactly but I attacked Jeff a bit back. Probably something like “That isn’t fucking true Jeff.” Nothing to pee your pants about and it was a warranted response in my opinion. Then in the car everyone decides that they are going to spend the night at Lexi’s and just drop me off at my mother’s to deal with her. It is all so Jade could have a midnight drink. Now, I understand that. I get how that is something someone might want to do on their 21st birthday. However, no one had informed me of any of these plans. My mom would not be okay with people coming in at 2am drunk. All people she didn’t know. I started texting Nick, Kat’s boyfriend, because we are friends and he is friends with everyone I am with. It had just started as innocent texting but I eventually confided with him about what was happening. I had no idea what to do about the situation. I mostly just felt awkward and upset. He told me that I should text Kat about it. So I decided I would. When they dropped me off at my mom’s Kat and Jade got out of the car to hug me. I was trying to maintain composure and I was too angry to accept any hugs so I kind of shrugged them off. They asked me what was wrong and I said I would text Kat about it. Kat and Jade them pressured me to tell them. I told them I was uncomfortable but they told me it was alright. So I told them how upset I was, I kind of just let it all out, and I started crying. I was so fucking embarrassed. I hate public displays of emotion like this and I hate it when people see me when I’m fucked up. I rather be passive aggressive or not express my anger most of the times because it is just too much for me. Jade and Kat calm me down and I apologize over and over for causing a scene. Let me get this straight, I’m only going to say this one time because I really think this is obvious as fuck, I love Jade and the last thing I would ever want to do is ruin her birthday. I really, really didn’t want to talk about when I got out of the car and the only reason I did is because I felt like I had to. I adore Jade and I wanted to her have a good birthday as much as anyone else. It was not my intention to cause a scene. I was trying to avoid it. Anyways, Jade comes inside and talks to my mom with me. My mom who is sociopath, pulls her 180 manipulative bullshit, so it looks like I made the whole thing up. It’s not until after they leave that she apologizes for yelling at me on the phone and getting over dramatic.  Either way, I’m really glad to see my mom. Eventually everyone comes in because they want Jade to go so she can have her midnight drink. I wake up the next morning and Jeff and Lexi pick me up. They are both just talking to each other in the car, kind of ignoring what I am saying, they are both being hella passive aggressive and that is when the uncomfortable times begin. We end up going out to eat and going to get desert, which my mom pays for. I am also talking with my mom quite a bit and Lexi is also rude to my mother I feel. Whatever, Lexi doesn’t like me I can’t control that, it sucks but I’m not going to be mean to her just because of what has happened…I mean in another situation I felt like we could be friends. I am fine just standing there being silent, if that is what I need to do, I just want Jade to have a good time. We eventually go to a Doctor Who bar and it is obvious Lexi and Jeff are still angry with me. They have no problem hiding it and I’m starting to get upset because I am extremely uncomfortable. I start texting Jeff—here are the texts word for word:
“Hey are we cool? I know last night got intense and I am sorry about that.”
“I think you pulled focus onto yourself from Jade and you need to avoid doing that.”
“Yeah, no I agree. But we all have our moments, that wasn’t my best and now I am just trying to make sure she is having a good time.”
“Well just make sure to avoid doing it tonight as I’m pretty sure no one will put up with it.”
This text really made me feel even worse. It kind of felt threatening to me. Now, Jeff may be a fucking asshole but he is intimidating as fuck as well. I felt like I had to get ready for some kind of attack or something. I mean I felt like what had happened wasn’t that bad. Yes, it was unfortunate but I felt like if people could see things from my perspective, and that I didn’t even want to cause a scene that it all would have been okay. Most of my friends know I have a hard time, that I have depression. If Jeff could have just shown a bit of empathy then we all could have had a good night. I felt like people were acting like I punched Jade in the face and then played victim or something.
“Let’s just try to have a good time okay?”
“Its fine I feel like you are taking direct answers and turning them into drama and you are obvious about it that’s me informing you.”
I was only making a big deal out of it because they were. I was being freezed out and talked down to. The whole thing was making feel sick. It was making me a bit anxious and a bit frightened about what Jeff might do, which all turned out to be appropriate emotions. I feel like I am a pretty harmless person. I try so very hard to be nice to everyone. It wasn’t like I had planned this or was some evil villain. I just desperately wanted things to go well.
“I am not trying to. I’ve been pretty chill all night I feel. I’ve just been informed you’re upset and I am trying to smooth things over.”
“Wasn’t upset at this point really feel like it’s pointless to get into and wastes time going it over text so let’s play games and drop it all. ”
“Sounds good. ”
Then my brother shows up for a bit, I had texted him to visit us, and I knew I should have left then. I felt so uncomfortable and upset but I didn’t want to hurt Jade’s time, so I tried to stick it out.  The mood did not pick up at all after those texts. In fact things took a turn for the worse. END CHAPTER 90. LOL kidding but goddamn this is long.
So we all decide to go to a burlesque show. During intermission of the show I notice Kat texting something about suicide. Yes, fucked up, I have wandering eyes man, I don’t know. So I started to text Nick because he has been having issues that are related to suicide. I asked him if he was alright and then we got talking. So I go to the bathroom when Kat does to check on her to make sure she isn’t suicidal, after promising Nick I’d look after her because some things had been going on with her as well. I talk with her for a bit to make sure she is okay, it is intermission, we are in there probably max fifteen minutes but the show hasn’t started yet. Anyways, Jeff comes into the bathroom, and Kat had been talking about how he’d upset her so we’re like LOL CONVERSATION OVER. We go back to the table and Jeff whispers in my ear.
“You need to stop.”
I seriously get a chill down my spine. I feel so unsafe at this point.
“Stop what?”
“You need to stop pulling people away it is just another way for you to be the center of attention.”
Then some more threatening bullshit I can’t even remember. So I’m really freaking out. Again, I’m really emotional from all that has been going on. I excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom.
Eventually we end up going back to Lexi’s house. We have to get up early in the morning to go back to Seattle and Spokane because Kat has work. Jeff and Kat end up talking most of the night, until Nick calls suicidal and keeps Kat up all night.
Then we have to leave and Kat hasn’t slept at all because she is still dealing with Nick. I’m up and getting ready to go and I hear some of their conversation. Jeff is laughing and cannot stop. He is laughing at Nick and starts insulting him, calling him a whimp. Lexi has to tell him to stop laughing and he barely can control himself. It was disgusting. I mean the two of them are supposed to be friends? How the hell could he do that to him? Nick calls Kat crying about to end his life and Jeff is fucking insulting him and laughing? I don’t remember all the things he said and I don’t want to misquote but it was FUCKED UP. STRAIGHT UP FUCKED UP. I was seriously in shock from it all. Nick is one of the sweetest people I know and I couldn’t stand that someone was making fun of him.
When we get out to the car, it’s just me and Kat at first so I ask her if I can help at all. She eventually gives me her phone and tells me to let her know if he gets upset. I’m still buzzed from drinking so I’m pretty happy to help. I again, love helping people, especially my friends, and dealing with suicidal stuff is something I have experience with. I adore Nick and I really was worried about him and wanted to make sure he is ok. So Nick starts texting me. Jeff decides to text me as well while he drives. Even though I beg Kat not to make me sit in the front next to Jeff she insists so I’m trapped extra hard again.
After she hands me her phone the texts begin:
“She’s not being woken up fyi there are no legit threats also if he pushes more than welcome to blame me.”
Translation: Basically, if Nick tries to text me to tell me he is for sure ending his life. I cannot wake up Kat because Jeff said not to, even though I promised Kat I would wake her up.
“My vantage point she needs sleep to unwind so that she can do her job and he* hasn’t gotten any.”
*=Typoed and wrote she fixed it for clarity
Translation: Nick has no job, Kat needs to sleep so she can do her’s doesn’t matter if he wants to kill himself
“Well I am dealing with it and he seems safe for the moment so I don’t think it will be a problem.”
“Its annoyance and BS cus people that do self-harm at Nick’s age don’t tell folk about it psych 101.”
“I disagree but whateva..either way its important that he knows he has support.”
“He needs to grow up and shouldn’t be enabled and I have close friends with masters in psych I’m correct lol. Nick’s suicide threat is attention wanting because he’s upset cus hes a youngling and could join us. Plus he he’s high you wait for the come down.”
Translation: Yes Nick could not come on the trip because he is not 21. Yes Nick did smoke some MJ to try to calm down. Does it matter if he is high, when he wants to kill himself? No. People can be on drugs and kill themselves and plus he was sober at that point I’m pretty sure.
Jeff kept waiting for a response and I felt pressured so I sent him another text.
“I don’t really agree but to each their own.”
“Ya I’m talking to my mental health friend now. You are fucking wrong and this is just another way for you to be in a center of a situation.”
“Simple answer for nick A. He honestly feels concerned which point get a professional not you, B. not an issue which point its attention if he waffles you then enact solution A.”
So basically. A. Get him help not you. WHICH OMG WAS TOTALLY NOT WHAT I WAS TRYING TO DO. GUISE I AM A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL DIDN’T YOU KNOW. I CAN SERIOUSLY SOLVE ANYONES PROBLEMS NO PROBLEM IS TOO BIG FOR ME. I was FUCKING trying to get him to go talk to someone and get help THAT WAS THE POINT DUMB FUCKING BITCH. Then if he is faking, then still get him help because it “waffles” me because I am too much of a fucking idiot to talk to my friend. LOL THANKS
“I am trying to get him to get help. Stop texting me please.”
I’d had enough. I felt threatened. I was so upset. I was fuCKING trapped in the car with him.
“Well if he needs help I’ll solve that mental health friend has legal obligations. They literally will solve it and not do bad advice.”
I actually talked to Kat and Nick after this happened. Neither of them were too upset. Overall their attitude was “that’s just Jeff”. Nick even said, “well it seemed like he sort of wanted to help me.” I don’t get that at all but they did text and he was nice to him up front. But how could you be okay with someone laughing at you when you’re trying to kill yourself? Da hell?  Considering how much I had supported them as of late, including helping to save their relationship, talking Nick out of suicide, holding Kat while she cried, going on this trip because I thought I could help, I felt like they didn’t have my back…or at least their response isn’t the same I’d give if the situation was revered.  If Jeff had treated either of them like that, I would be done with him. Done. I don’t know if I just suck as a person because no one seems to be loyal to me. If it’s me, it’s okay. Jeff called me an idiot, said I gave bad advice, called me an attention whore, made me cry, was threatening towards me, and at times even made me fear for my safety.
I am still so upset about everything. I’ve been scared to tell Jade all this because I didn’t want to tell her because then Jeff would be like WOW HAD TO RUIN HER BIRTHDAY BY PROXY but you know what. FUCK IT. I feel like Jade deserves to know. I feel like Jade will support me in this because I know she cares about me like I care about her. I still can’t stand it though when people, even if it is Jeff, don’t like me and there is a huge part of me that wants to resolve this. But I don’t see how I can. I just wish people had my back in this situation. It’s fucked up. Yeah I messed up some but not on the level Jeff thinks I did. I just feel so wronged, angry, and hurt. I just don’t get why shit like this happens when I try so hard to be good and nice. I don’t know. This whole thing has sent me on a bit of an emotional crisis because it has been making think, “Well maybe it is true.” I’m always insecure that I am an idiot and I do worry sometimes about being an attention whore. It is really hard to explain what it is like to have Borderline Personality Disorder. I basically feel like I am in quick sand all of the time and I have to reach for anything I can grasp. Sometimes I over share. But every single time I want to kill myself, I promise you, I’m dead serious. I’ve tried to kill myself at least 20 times. I’ve been asleep for days. I’ve been to the emergency room multiple times. The last time my fingernails started turning blue because I was having trouble breathing. I talk about it. I overshare. I tell people because I want them to know that I come with baggage. I need more support than most friends do. But I try so very hard to be supportive back. I don’t know what to do most of the time. Sometimes I just have to share because I’m overwhelmed and I just need to get it out. I don’t want attention. In fact I rather not have it at all, especially when it comes to my depression. I wish no one knew. But I feel like I need to talk about it. I feel like I am lying sometimes if I don’t. It’s complicated. But that is why this is so upsetting, like I said to Jade, I knew Jeff for over two years and his opinion changes of me in two nights and HE IS WRONG. Well, at least I hope so. Sometimes I just feel so alone. Like no one understands what it is like to go through the shit I do. Like no one has my back—yeah, yeah how many more times can I say this. But…..really…..I don’t know how to get over this shit. I’m just…too upset..and I don’t know how to make it better. I know I can be really sensitive, that is part of my illness. I also know that it is obvious that I am a sensitive person. I know Jeff knows this…and I am pretty sure he used it to influence me and just straight up terrify me. I mean what type of person would do that? Is that a person worth being friends with? I’ve always tried so hard to be nice to Jeff…and I just..I just don’t know. He is wrong and he isn’t going to change his mind. I just wish all the paranoia I have about this situation could stop.

Just A Tiny Bit

And then I have these moments and I feel myself get seriously crazy. I mean, really nuts. It's almost an experience of pleasure. The rush to hurt myself is stronger than anything. It's all over my body. I pray for it. I know it doesn't help but...sometimes it feels like it might.

I Want To Evaporate and Be Embraced By Air

I don’t even know how to begin. It’s been too long since I’ve done this, since I’ve wanted to do this. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why I stopped writing, why I stopped caring. It used to be so important to me to get all my thoughts down on paper. It used to be so important for me to remember. It used to be so important for me to create. I guess everything just feels constantly the same. It’s almost draining to write about myself anymore. What’s new? Still upset? Are you surprised? Yes things have happened, yes things have changed, but the most important things are the same. I keep waiting and working towards getting better but I get nowhere. I’m going nowhere fast. I keep getting older. I keep finding myself trapped in places I can’t stand to be. I’m stuck in traffic while everyone else is on the highway. I’m tired of complaining about it. I’m tired of letting it come out of me. It is starting to hurt. It is starting to become physically painful to let it go. So I don’t anymore. I’m slowing down. I just need, I just need somewhere to splatter every once and while. Maybe this is the place. Maybe I can paint the walls blue again here, or maybe not. Maybe this is just another note in passing.

Yeah, That Again

Dear no one,

I guess...I guess I just need to say this because I feel like I need to really..well truly get it out. I think..I think I want to be with someone again. I think I'm ready but..I can't calm down. I can't...it is like I want it right away or not at all. I don't want to wait and sift through bullshit. I just want to get into a relationship and get things going. I just want someone to need me. To want me. To find me sexy when I despise myself. I told myself I'd get better. I'd get mentally better. I'd live and spend my life the way you're supposed to but it's all coming back. The mental illness I can't run from. I've started cutting myself again and it makes me angry. It angers me how much it almost gets me off. It's like an orgasm to me. Not just the feeling but knowing that I'm hurting myself. It is really true. I am addicted to trying to destroy myself. It's so...stupid too. I know it is. It's so childish and I have no excuse. I'm not a child anymore. I was so happy to say I was doing better. To say I'd been sober from self harm. But I don't want to stop. I never have.
And so I've come back to this notion. This notion that a relationship could help me. I just need someone to care about me and be there. Someone to encourage me. Someone that won't put up with my shit. Someone serious that will put their whole heart into it. Someone to help me get on my feet. I just don't feel like I can do it alone....well I haven't ever been able to for a long period of time. I makes me feel weak...that I am actually just almost desperate for this. I just want someone who won't leave. Someone that won't treat me like crap. A fighter.
But it isn't ever going to come. I feel myself falling in every way....aching...dying...I just want a change that is never going to come and..and I've done all I know how to do on my own.
It's just going to end. I should be sad about it but...I'm not...I'm never sad about it...I'm excited. I'm excited to try again.
I just can't stand to be alone anymore and no one wants to be with me.
I'm invisible...or visibly not important.
Maybe if I still had youth....I mean I'm not even that old but....I feel old....
Maybe if I had beauty....
But a girl without beauty is meaningless...passable...
And I'm hurting so much on the inside.
I don't know if I have any redeeming qualities anymore....I guess I don't know if ever had any.

I just don't want to be alone.
I just don't know what to do.
So I guess I'll try to kill myself.
I guess that is all there is left to do.
I can't stand this misery.
I probably won't succeed.
I can't succeed in anything.

alike minds

I enjoy almost everything. Yet I have some restless searcher in me. Why is there not a discovery in life? Something one can lay hands on and say “This is it”? My depression is a harassed feeling. I’m looking: but that’s not it — that’s not it. What is it? And shall I die before I find it?

Virgina Wolf

Here Comes Anger

I know I've been bad. I know. I just had found other places to write simple rambles about my every day, no one gives a shit about life. Then suddenly the well was dry. I’d shared my places with people. Mistake. I’ve now made it so this is the only place I can turn to. I don’t know how much of a good thing that is. Right now I’m sitting in my school’s library quietly wondering why no one has a log in. Seems like nothing is really private anymore, at least it bypasses some bullshit. I just got out of my Drama class which I have grown to hate with such a light tenderness. I feel as though I’m a baker removing my hot head from an oven with gloved hands. I feel too old for this shit now. I’m so tired of people just being so fucking shitty to others. I don’t want to relive the horrors of junior high mentality, thank you, but no thank you. I know I don’t really feel like I’m that old. Quite the contrary, I feel as though I’m even younger in some ways. I’m frustrated with my incapability to grow the fuck up. I swear as the years go by I get less and less intelligent and I become more and more immature. I find myself playing the compare game which I, of course, always come out on the bottom. It is honestly exhausting. I’ve tried to be better at least with my self control. I’ve been sober from all the bad stuff for a while now. However, today, I feel as though that is just what I need. The rage is rippling through my body with furiosity. Wow, Word says that is spelled wrong. Fuck off Word. See I’m even getting angry at Word. Jesus. I’m just consumed with rage. I just, I just try so fucking hard to treat people right and be kind. I never get anything from it besides minimal self-satisfaction. People walk all over weakness because they can. Humans are fucking monsters. I am so bitter towards all of it. I found something I wrote a while ago about how people are generally good. Goddamn I miss that ignorance. I just don’t believe it anymore. I’ve found myself having visions of throwing knives at people. This is so out of character for me. Usually I turn things inward. I’m also a lover not a fighter. I don’t hurt people. I don’t know what to make of these violent moments. I feel like it caresses this innate urge I’ve been feeling. Is it better for me to get angry at the world around me? Or should I just keep my eyes shut and walk on? More importantly can I stop the hatred? The fuel keeps being poured on the fire. I’m not used to dealing with anger. I’m not used to this.  I feel like I’m turning bad or evil. It worries me, but the part that actually worries me the most is how really it excites me more than anything else. I do everything I can. Yes I fuck up a lot granted but jesus, maybe it isn’t all my fucking fault. People just skate on by not having to pay for the things they have done. I hold my tongue and I feel as though it is time to start shouting. I feel a scream buried within me and I want to open the box that holds it.

Megan still hasn't deleted Matt from Facebook and probably Skype too.

I just don't even.



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June 2013



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